My fast started out with a list to the Lord of what I now know are "gimme's". Lord, gimme a buyer for my house. Lord, heal my child. Lord, help me with my problem with sugar. Lord, help me get moved quicker to PA. Lord, give my special friend the job she is praying for. Lord, gimme, gimme, gimme!!!!
The first week, it was still about that. But, fasting has a way of evening the playing field in time. It strips you of any facades in place and exposes the real you. To yourself, to God and to others, at times. Like an onion being peeled off one layer at a time, self begins to shed it's winter coat and the trimmed down version of your soul is staring you in the face and obvious to others.
This morning. I read a blog by Lysa Terkeurst (http://www.lysaterkeurst.com/) that spoke of an experience in her walk with Christ that parallels mine with my fast. She describes being on a road trip on the back roads of the Deep South with it's aging barns, remnants of harvested crops laying in the fields, gas stations with dust on the gum that was waiting for a buyer and old, stale coffee instead of Starbucks lattes
And. then. there are those handpainted signs of evangelism that you can't miss. She writes about seeing one in particular that said "Repent. The day of Jesus' coming is near. Repent of your sins today." It made her uneasy and she thought it wouldn't be very effective in causing people to want to turn to Jesus because it seemed harsh. She felt it should be about God's love. Now, the love message gets to the heart of people, But, repentance? That's too harsh. But then, she realized that after two days, it was she who was still thinking about that sign. She writes this, "I’ve been on this 37 days of kindness adventure for over a week now. And instead of feeling all puffed up by all my many acts of kindness, I am brought low by the realization of just how self focused I can be sometimes."
I believe she has found on her 37 Days of Kindness adventure, what I have found on my 40 Day Fast.
That, beyond our "good intentions" and "maturity in Christ", there's an awful lot of "Karen" where I thought there was more Jesus. I wanted to see that Jesus was the dominant factor in my life. Driving all my thoughts, feelings and actions. But, I learned, I'm still piloting my own life in so many ways. I let Him be my First Officer, but I have retained my Captain status with Him. My fast showed me I had chosen the plane, the flight plan and the destination on many things. My reasons for beging my fast in the first place was evidence of that.
Don't get me wrong. He wants us to come to Him with our needs and the needs of others. Seeing Him meet those needs builds our faith and the faith of others. It may even bring someone to Christ watching you go through a trial and then seeing God move in an amazing way. But, what about faith that doesn't produce "amzing" things? At least not amazing things in the natural or that anyone else can perceive. How do we feel about that? Is His grace sufficient then?
Someone said to me this week that she had lost trust in God because she felt she had been faithful to him over many years and yet He was not answering her basic needs. He did not make the changes in her spouse that would have saved their marriage. God doesn't say that if we live by the law.......pay our tithes, attend church, obey the 10 Commandments, help others and read out Bibles, that life is going to be great. But, He does give us His Word that if we lose everything in His name, that He will keep us in perfect peace as we look to Him. He says in John 16:33 (Amplified Bible) "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]".
If we truly have given our life to Christ and are trusting Him with eveyrthing, following Him as He directs, and tough things still come, we must know that He has allowed them. They are not to hurt us, but to make us stronger and to learn to be more like Him. Our response to suffering is our choice, not His.
Jesus obeyed His Father. He had some precious times in His life here with his family and followers, but He also suffered with mistreatment, betrayal of the very ones He trusted, plots for His death and the ultimate disgrace of this world, by being crucified on a cross next to two common criminals. Even in His death, He had a heart of mercy and forgiveness as shown to the thief he gave the promise of Paradise to that day. How could He concern himself with someone else in His greatest hour of need? I will tell you why........
Jesus KNEW what came after the cross. He knew WHY He was suffering. He was not short sighted. He was thinking of you and me. And, He knew His mission. The mission didn't end on the cross. It ended with an empty tomb. He paid that price.......his emotional and physical pain........because he knew the empty grave would give us back to Him. The devil had plotted to take us from Him and won. But, just for a little while. The empty tomb was the ticket for us back to Him
My fast was a "Repent. The Day of Jesus is coming" kind of fast. Week two, was the beginning of it. To the end, it was rough. I was lonely. Depressed some days seeing the truth of seeing what my heart really held inside. Truths that many of my hurts were still bured deep within me. I'd been healed to a point, and because I have the ability to help others find healing through knowing Christ, I must have felt that my own level of healing was enough.
I felt stripped and exposed before Almighty God, but thankful that I could get that close to Him. Close enough for Him to say, "Karen, here's something. Look at this. I want to take you further, but we need to clean this up first. Look at it. Allow me to sweep it away," I did. It wasn't fun, but it was cleansing. I'm clean now inside and so now I am filling myself back up with Him instead of Karen.
I grew up thinking God was looking down on ,e to look down on me. The "disapproving, never good enough, sorry I am left with you" Father God making sure I didn't get what I prayed for because I just don't deserve it. If I was thinner or prettier or more successful, THEN God would be smiling at me and saying "Ahhhh, that's my girl!" And when I did succeeed......winning a rock radio station's "Little Miss Radio Who" beauty contest, or making MVP on the softball team, always being national honor society or making a tennis team.......I always thought it was just a fluke and even then, I was still not as good as others.
My view of what God thought of me has been warped by what feel others felt about me. I learned He's not against me or ready to punish. He's waiting to bless me, hold me, praise me, and save me. He's not judging me, waiting for me to slip up. He's there to hold me ad looking forward to it.
I thought that Karen was gone from me. I thought I had sent her packing many years ago. When this fast showed me she was still in the guest room, I was surprised. I wrote a book several years back called A Treasured Woman, and in it, told of my journey from worthlessness to being treasured by the Lord. God wanted me to see that I had let myself fall back into some of that stinkin' thinkin' and it was time to get rid of all of it.
It wasn't a pretty sight as it has exited. Ask my husband, Ross. He will tell you. I'm sharing this so transparent;y here because I know many of you have felt them too. I hear it from so many women. I am all of you. One thing that was evidenced in this fast is I know where to go for my answers........to Christ and His Word. Coaching, counseling, therapy, a friends's shoulder (which comes with the added bonus of a good hug hopefully).........all places that God's Word and instruction can find the support needed to help you fulfill His will for you life. None of us are islands unto ourselves. We need each other.
My fast has helped me see myself, know the One who will change me, and see my value in the midst of my own struggles and flaws. I do believe there is power over the devil through fasting as well. That will be the topic of the next blog.
Love to each of you,
Karen
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